Understanding Your Expectations

Every disappointment, frustration, and conflict has an expectation hiding behind it. You expected something, it didn't happen, and now you're upset. The problem is, many of our expectations are unconscious, unrealistic, or uncommunicated. We hold people to standards they don't even know about, then get angry when they fail to meet them.

Examining your expectations is crucial to growth. Where did they come from? Are they realistic? Have you communicated them? Are they fair?

Where Expectations Come From

• Family of origin: What you saw modeled growing up
• Culture: Messages from society about how things should be
• Past relationships: Patterns from previous experiences
• Unmet needs: Hoping someone will fill a void
• Idealism: How you think things should work

Disappointment = Expectation - Reality. If you want to understand your disappointments, trace them back to the expectations underneath. Often, the problem isn't reality. It's the expectation.

Problem Expectations

Unspoken: You expect something but never communicated it.

Unrealistic: You expect perfection or impossibility.

Unfair: You hold others to standards you don't hold yourself to.

Unconscious: You don't even know you have the expectation until it's violated.

Unchanging: You expect people and situations to stay the same forever.

Healthy Expectations

Not all expectations are bad. Some are healthy and appropriate. The key is that healthy expectations are realistic, communicated, agreed upon, and flexible. "I expect you to be faithful" is healthy. "I expect you to read my mind" is not.

Your Action Steps

This week: When you feel disappointed or frustrated, ask: "What was I expecting?"

This month: Examine one major expectation. Where did it come from? Is it realistic?

This quarter: Communicate an unspoken expectation to your wife. Discuss it together.