Recognizing Gaslighting

Gaslighting is psychological manipulation that makes you question your own perception, memory, and sanity. The gaslighter systematically undermines your confidence in what you know to be true until you can't trust yourself anymore. You rely on them to tell you what's real.

It's one of the most insidious forms of abuse because it's invisible. There are no bruises. The damage is all internal. And the victim often has no idea it's happening because the very thing being attacked is their ability to perceive reality accurately.

Common Gaslighting Tactics

Denial: "That never happened." "You're making things up." They flatly deny events you both witnessed.

Minimizing: "You're overreacting." "It wasn't that bad." "You're too sensitive." They dismiss your legitimate concerns as character flaws.

Diversion: When you bring up their behavior, they change the subject or attack you instead. You end up defending yourself instead of addressing the issue.

Countering: "That's not how it happened." They challenge your memory of events, insisting their version is correct.

Trivializing: "Why do you care about that?" "You're making a big deal out of nothing." They make your feelings seem invalid.

Forgetting/Denial: "I never said that." "You're imagining things." They pretend to forget things they definitely said or did.

The goal of gaslighting isn't to win an argument. It's to make you unable to trust your own judgment. Once you depend on them to tell you what's real, they have complete control.

Signs You're Being Gaslighted

• You constantly second-guess yourself
• You wonder "Am I being too sensitive?" multiple times a day
• You feel confused or crazy
• You're always apologizing
• You can't understand why you're unhappy despite having "everything"
• You make excuses for your partner's behavior to others
• You know something is wrong but can't identify it
• You've become more anxious or less confident over time
• You feel like you used to be a different person

Why It Works

Gaslighting works because it's gradual. It starts small. A minor rewrite of events. A gentle suggestion that you're overreacting. Over time, these small undermining comments accumulate until your confidence is destroyed.

It also works because the gaslighter is often someone you trust. A spouse. A parent. A close friend. You want to believe them. You don't want to think someone who loves you would deliberately manipulate you.

Recovery

Trust your gut: If something feels wrong, it probably is. Your instincts haven't disappeared, just been suppressed.

Document everything: Write down conversations, events, what was said. When they try to rewrite history, you have a record.

Get outside perspective: Talk to someone you trust who can help you reality-test. A therapist, a counselor, a trusted friend.

Limit exposure: If possible, reduce contact with the gaslighter. Space helps you regain clarity.

Rebuild self-trust: Practice making small decisions and trusting them. Rebuild the muscle that was weakened.

Important Note

Not every disagreement about what happened is gaslighting. People genuinely remember things differently sometimes. Gaslighting is a pattern of deliberately undermining your reality, not an occasional memory disagreement.

If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, take it seriously. Gaslighting is abuse. You're not crazy. What you experienced was real. And you deserve relationships where your reality is respected.

Your Action Steps

This week: Start a journal. Write down conversations that leave you feeling confused or doubting yourself.

This month: Talk to a counselor about what you're experiencing. Name it. Get professional perspective.

This quarter: Evaluate whether this relationship can change. If the gaslighting continues despite your awareness, you may need to consider your options.