Breaking the Pattern of Stonewalling

Stonewalling is complete withdrawal. It's the silent treatment, the refusal to engage, the act of shutting down and walking away emotionally or physically. While it might feel like self-protection, to the other person it feels like abandonment. Nothing can be resolved when someone has stonewalled.

Research identifies stonewalling as one of the most destructive patterns in marriage, often happening when someone has become so overwhelmed they can no longer process the conversation.

What Stonewalling Looks Like

• Complete silence, refusing to respond
• Walking out of the room during conflict
• Blank stare, no facial response
• Shutting down emotionally
• Monosyllabic responses that end conversation
• Acting as if the other person doesn't exist

Stonewalling feels like self-protection to you, but it feels like abandonment to her. Every time you shut down, you're teaching her that you'll leave when things get hard. That erodes trust.

Why Stonewalling Happens

Flooding: Physiologically overwhelmed, heart rate elevated, can't process.

Self-protection: Trying to avoid saying something you'll regret.

Feeling attacked: Shutting down against perceived assault.

Learned behavior: This is how conflict was handled growing up.

Avoidance: Hoping if you disengage, the conflict will disappear.

The Alternative: Taking a Break

There's a difference between stonewalling and taking a healthy break. Stonewalling is unilateral shutdown with no return. A healthy break is communicated: "I'm feeling overwhelmed. I need 20 minutes to calm down, and then I'll come back to this."

Breaking the Pattern

Recognize flooding: Learn to notice when you're becoming overwhelmed.

Communicate the break: Say you need time and commit to returning.

Self-soothe: During the break, calm your physiology. Breathe. Walk.

Come back: This is the critical part. You must return and engage.

Your Action Steps

This week: Notice when you're tempted to stonewall. What triggers it?

This month: Practice asking for a break instead of shutting down.

This quarter: Develop a self-soothing routine for when you're flooded.