Couples Assessment Guide

Couples assessment gives you what most relationships lack: objective data about how you actually function together. According to research from the American Psychological Association, not your perceptions of the relationship. Not your hopes for it. The patterns that actually show up when you interact.

Whether you're preparing for marriage, trying to strengthen a good relationship, or addressing serious problems, comprehensive assessment provides a roadmap you can't get any other way.

How Couples Assessment Works

Most couples assessments follow a similar process:

1. Independent completion: Each partner takes the assessment separately, answering honestly without consulting each other.
2. Individual profiles: Each person receives their own profile covering personality, EQ, attachment, and other dimensions.
3. Comparison analysis: The two profiles are compared to identify areas of alignment and disconnect.
4. Relationship report: A combined report shows how your patterns interact, where you connect, and where you clash.
5. Interpretation session: A trained practitioner helps you understand the results and develop action steps.

What Gets Measured

Individual Dimensions

Before comparing, assessment establishes each person's individual profile:

• Personality type: Natural tendencies in how you approach life and relationships
• Emotional intelligence: Capacity to recognize and manage emotions
• Attachment style: How you form and maintain bonds
• Connection style: How you give and receive love
• Stress response: How you react under pressure
• Processing style: Pursuer or Withdrawer in conflict

Relational Dynamics

The comparison reveals how your individual patterns interact:

• Communication match: Do you speak the same language, or are you constantly translating?
• Conflict style: Do you both engage? Both avoid? Does one pursue while the other withdraws?
• Power dynamics: Is authority shared or imbalanced?
• Perception gaps: Where does he think things are fine that she sees as problems (or vice versa)?
• Attachment interaction: Do your attachment styles create security or trigger insecurity?

Problem Pattern Detection

Assessment can identify destructive patterns that might not be obvious:

• Active Destructive Patterns (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling)
• Pursuer-Withdrawer cycles
• Anxious-Avoidant traps
• Power imbalances
• Boundary issues

"We didn't even know we were doing that." Couples often discover patterns they've been blind to—patterns that become obvious once mapped out objectively.

Why Comparison Matters

Individual assessment is valuable. But the real insight comes from seeing how two people's patterns interact. Consider these examples:

Personality clash: Two high-King personalities may fight for dominance, while two high-Healers may struggle to make decisions. Neither combination is bad—but each requires awareness and intentional management.

Attachment trap: An anxiously attached partner paired with an avoidantly attached partner creates a specific destructive cycle. He pulls away when she needs reassurance; she pursues harder when he needs space. Understanding the pattern is the first step to changing it.

Connection style mismatch: He shows love through Acts of Service (doing things). She receives love through Words of Affirmation (hearing it). He's working overtime to prove his love; she feels unloved because he never says it. Both are frustrated, neither understands why.

What to Do with Results

Assessment results are only valuable if you use them. Here's how to maximize the return:

1. Work with a Professional

A trained practitioner can interpret nuances you'd miss, facilitate difficult conversations, and help you develop realistic action plans.

2. Focus on Patterns, Not Blame

The goal isn't to prove who's at fault. It's to understand the patterns you co-create and change them together.

3. Start Small

Don't try to fix everything at once. Pick one or two specific patterns to address. Master those before moving to others.

4. Revisit Regularly

Patterns change over time. Periodic reassessment tracks progress and identifies new growth areas.

When to Get Assessed

Couples assessment is valuable at multiple stages:

• Before marriage: Identify potential problem areas before they become entrenched
• During transitions: New baby, job change, moving—stress reveals hidden patterns
• When stuck: If the same fights keep happening, assessment can reveal why
• For tune-ups: Even healthy relationships benefit from periodic check-ins