Really Listening to Your Kids

Kids can tell when you're genuinely listening versus when you're just nodding while thinking about something else. They know when they have your attention and when they don't. And they learn very quickly whether coming to Dad actually results in being heard or just gets a distracted response while his eyes stay on the screen.

If kids don't feel heard when they're young, they won't come to you when they're older. The patterns you establish now determine whether they'll talk to you when the stakes get higher.

What Real Listening Looks Like

Stop what you're doing: Put down the phone. Turn away from the screen. Give them your full attention.

Get on their level: Especially with young kids, physical positioning matters.

Make eye contact: Look at them, not past them.

Don't rush to solve: Listen to understand, not to fix.

Ask follow-up questions: Show you're tracking with what they're saying.

The thing your kid wants to tell you at 6 might seem trivial. But if you listen well at 6, they'll come to you at 16 when it's not trivial. The habit of being heard starts early.

What Gets in the Way

• Distractions: phones, screens, work in your head
• Impatience: wanting them to get to the point
• Problem-solving mode: jumping to fix instead of hear
• Minimizing: treating their concerns as unimportant
• Lecturing: using their sharing as a teaching moment

Different Ages, Same Need

A three-year-old's story about their toy and a teenager's story about their friend both deserve real listening. The content changes, but the need to be heard doesn't. If you listen well to the small stuff, they'll trust you with the big stuff later.

Your Action Steps

This week: When your child talks to you, stop everything and give full attention.

This month: Create regular one-on-one time where listening is the primary goal.

This quarter: Ask each child if they feel heard by you. Listen to the answer without defending.