The Process of Forgiveness

Unforgiveness is poison you drink hoping the other person dies. It doesn't hurt them. It destroys you. The bitterness, the resentment, the mental replay of what they did, it eats away at your peace, your health, your capacity for joy.

Forgiveness is the only cure. But forgiveness is wildly misunderstood. It's not what most people think it is. And understanding what forgiveness actually means is the first step toward being able to do it.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Not pretending it didn't happen: Forgiveness doesn't erase the offense. What they did was real. Your pain is valid. Forgiveness isn't amnesia.

Not saying it was okay: Forgiveness isn't excusing the behavior. It was wrong. It hurt you. Forgiveness doesn't change that.

Not reconciliation: Forgiveness and restoration are different things. You can forgive someone and still not trust them. Still not have them in your life.

Not a feeling: You might never feel like forgiving. That's okay. Forgiveness is a choice, not an emotion.

Forgiveness is releasing your right to revenge. It's deciding that even though they owe you, you're canceling the debt. Not for their sake. For yours.

Why Forgiveness Is So Hard

Forgiveness feels like letting them win. They hurt you, and now you're supposed to just let it go? That feels unjust. Your anger feels righteous. Holding onto it feels like the only power you have left.

But the anger isn't hurting them. They might not even know you're still bitter. Meanwhile, you carry the weight every day. The unforgiveness costs you more than it costs them.

The Forgiveness Process

Step 1: Name what happened. Be specific about the offense. What did they do? How did it affect you? Don't minimize. Don't spiritualize. Be honest about the wound.

Step 2: Let yourself feel it. Anger, grief, betrayal, whatever you feel is valid. Don't rush past the pain to get to forgiveness. Processing the emotion is part of the work.

Step 3: Choose forgiveness. This is a decision, not a feeling. "I choose to release this person from the debt they owe me." You might have to make this choice repeatedly as the feelings resurface.

Step 4: Release the desire for revenge. Give up your right to even the score. You're not their judge. Their consequences are not your responsibility.

Step 5: Set appropriate boundaries. Forgiveness doesn't mean access. You can forgive someone and still protect yourself from future harm.

Forgiveness in Marriage

Marriage requires constant forgiveness. Not because your wife is terrible, but because two imperfect people living together will inevitably hurt each other. Small offenses, if not forgiven, accumulate into mountains of resentment.

Practice quick forgiveness for small things. Reserve deeper forgiveness work for bigger wounds. But don't let anything go unprocessed. The couples who thrive are the ones who forgive often.

Forgiving Yourself

Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. You carry guilt for what you've done, shame for who you've been. But holding onto self-condemnation doesn't make you better. It keeps you stuck.

If you've genuinely repented, changed, made amends where possible, then the work is done. Continuing to punish yourself doesn't serve anyone. Let it go.

Your Action Steps

This week: Identify one small offense you're holding against your wife. Choose to forgive it. Let it go completely.

This month: Is there someone from your past you need to forgive? Write down what they did, how it affected you, and make the choice to release them from the debt.

This quarter: If you're struggling to forgive a significant wound, work with a counselor. Some forgiveness work is too big to do alone.