Learning to Really Listen

Your wife says you don't listen. You're certain you do. You can repeat back exactly what she said. But that's not what she means. Real listening is more than processing words. It's understanding meaning, catching emotion, and showing that you actually get it.

Most men listen to respond. They're already forming their answer while she's still talking. They're looking for the problem to solve, the point to counter, the conversation to end. Real listening stays with her, follows where she's going, and seeks to understand before being understood.

What Gets in the Way

Problem-solving mode: She says something, you immediately start fixing. But she didn't ask for a solution. She asked to be heard.

Defensiveness: If what she's saying feels like criticism, your shields go up. You stop listening and start defending.

Distractions: Phone in hand, game on TV, mind at work. You're there but you're not present.

Impatience: You want her to get to the point. But the "point" for her might be the process of talking through it.

When she says you don't listen, she's not saying you don't hear words. She's saying she doesn't feel understood, valued, or connected to. Those are different problems.

What Real Listening Looks Like

Full attention: Phone down. TV off. Eyes on her. Body language that says "You have my focus."

Seeking to understand: Ask questions. "Help me understand what you mean." "Tell me more about that." Curiosity, not interrogation.

Reflecting back: "So what you're saying is..." "It sounds like you're feeling..." This shows you're tracking with her.

Validating: "That makes sense." "I can see why you'd feel that way." Validation isn't agreement; it's acknowledgment.

Staying with emotion: When she shares something emotional, don't rush past it. Sit with her in it.

The Fix-It Trap

Men are wired to solve problems. It feels helpful. But jumping to solutions before she feels heard usually backfires. She doesn't feel understood; she feels dismissed. The solution feels like you just want the conversation to end.

Before offering solutions, ask: "Do you want help solving this, or do you need me to just listen right now?" Often, the answer is listen. And sometimes, just being heard is all the solution she needed.

Your Action Steps

This week: In your next conversation with your wife, put everything else away. Practice giving full attention.

This month: When she shares something, resist the urge to fix. Ask questions instead. Seek to understand.

This quarter: Ask your wife how well you listen. Let her tell you honestly what it's like to talk to you.