Fighting Fair

Conflict in marriage is inevitable. Two different people sharing a life will disagree. The goal isn't to eliminate conflict but to handle it in ways that don't destroy the relationship. Some couples fight constantly and stay married for decades. Others rarely argue but end up divorced. The difference isn't frequency. It's how they fight.

The Rules of Fair Fighting

Stay on topic: Address one issue at a time. Don't drag in every grievance from the past ten years. If you're discussing dishes, stay on dishes.

No name-calling: Attack the problem, not the person. "You left your clothes on the floor" is different from "You're such a slob." One addresses behavior. The other attacks character.

No contempt: Eye-rolling, mockery, and disgust are relationship poison. You can be angry without being cruel.

Take breaks when needed: If you're flooded with emotion, you're not thinking clearly. It's okay to say "I need 20 minutes" and step away. But come back.

Listen to understand: Not just waiting for your turn to talk. Actually trying to see her perspective, even when you disagree.

The goal of conflict isn't to win. It's to understand each other and solve the problem together. If you win and she loses, you both lose. You're on the same team.

What Destroys Marriages

Research has identified four patterns that predict relationship failure with scary accuracy:

Criticism: Attacking her character rather than addressing specific behavior. "You never think about anyone but yourself" versus "I felt hurt when you made plans without asking me."

Contempt: Treating her with disgust, superiority, or mockery. This is the single biggest predictor of divorce.

Defensiveness: Making excuses, playing the victim, refusing to take any responsibility. This escalates conflict instead of resolving it.

Stonewalling: Shutting down completely, refusing to engage, walking away without explanation. This leaves problems unresolved and your wife feeling abandoned.

Better Approaches

Soft startup: How you begin determines how it goes. Start gently, not with accusations. "I'm frustrated about..." works better than "You always..."

Take responsibility: Even if you're only 10% wrong, own that 10%. "You're right, I should have told you" defuses conflict faster than any defense.

Validate her perspective: "I can see why you'd feel that way" doesn't mean you agree. It means you're trying to understand.

Repair attempts: Small efforts to de-escalate. A touch, a joke, an apology. Notice when she makes these and respond to them.

After the Fight

How you end matters as much as how you fight. Don't let conflicts just fade without resolution. Actually repair. Apologize for your part. Acknowledge her feelings. Make a plan for doing better. Physical affection helps restore connection.

Your Action Steps

This week: Notice your conflict patterns. Which of the four destructive behaviors do you default to?

This month: Practice soft startups. Before your next difficult conversation, think about how to begin gently.

This quarter: Develop a repair ritual with your wife. How will you reconnect after conflict?