Managing Conflict in Marriage

Every couple fights. The difference between marriages that thrive and marriages that fail isn't the presence of conflict. It's how that conflict gets handled. Some couples use conflict to understand each other better. Others use it to wound each other.

Learning to fight well is one of the most important skills you can develop. It determines whether disagreements bring you closer or drive you apart.

What Healthy Conflict Looks Like

Staying on topic: You address the actual issue without dragging in every past grievance.

Listening to understand: You try to see her perspective, not just win the argument.

Speaking without attacking: You express your needs without criticizing her character.

Taking breaks when needed: You pause when things get too heated, then return to finish.

Repairing afterward: You reconnect after conflict. The relationship matters more than being right.

The goal of conflict isn't to win. It's to understand each other and solve problems together. If you win but she loses, you both lose. You're on the same team.

What Destroys Connection

Criticism: Attacking her character rather than addressing behavior. "You never..." or "You always..." statements that make her the problem.

Contempt: Mocking, eye-rolling, name-calling, sarcasm. Treating her as beneath you. This is the most damaging behavior in marriage.

Defensiveness: Refusing to take any responsibility. Making excuses. Counter-attacking instead of listening.

Stonewalling: Shutting down, walking away, refusing to engage. Leaving her talking to a wall.

Fighting Fair

• Start gently: How you bring up an issue determines how it goes. Harsh start-ups lead to harsh fights.
• Use "I" statements: "I feel frustrated when..." rather than "You make me..."
• Stay specific: Address the actual incident, not her entire personality.
• Take responsibility: Own your part, even if it's small.
• Look for common ground: What can you both agree on?
• Know when to pause: If you're flooded with emotion, take 20 minutes before continuing.

When You're Flooded

Flooding is when your heart rate goes up, your thinking gets narrow, and you can't process information well. In this state, you can't have a productive conversation. You'll say things you regret.

Learn to recognize when you're flooded. Say something like: "I need a break. I'm not leaving this conversation, but I need 20 minutes to calm down. Then let's finish." This isn't avoidance. It's wisdom.

Your Action Steps

This week: Notice your patterns during conflict. Do you criticize, get defensive, stonewall? Name your tendencies.

This month: Practice one new skill. Maybe it's using "I" statements or taking breaks when flooded.

This quarter: Have a conversation with your wife about how you both handle conflict. What could you each do differently?