The Avoiding Style

You don't like conflict. So you dodge it. Change the subject. Leave the room. Wait for it to blow over. Go quiet and hope she stops bringing it up. This is the avoiding style, and it feels like keeping the peace. But avoiding isn't peace. It's debt.

Every conflict you avoid becomes a bill that comes due later. With interest. Small issues become big issues. Resentment builds. One day your wife explodes over something small, and you wonder where that came from. It came from every conversation you refused to have.

What Avoiding Looks Like

Avoiders have many techniques. Some go silent. Some change the subject. Some get busy with work or projects. Some agree with everything just to end the discussion. Some physically leave. All of them share one thing: they'll do anything except face the conflict directly.

From the outside, avoiders often seem calm. No drama. No raised voices. But their wives feel abandoned. "He won't engage with me. He won't fight for us."

When Avoiding Makes Sense

• Cooling off: If you're flooded with emotion, stepping away briefly helps you think clearly.
• Trivial issues: Some things genuinely don't matter. Letting them go is wisdom, not weakness.
• Bad timing: In front of the kids, at a party, when she's exhausted. Sometimes it's wise to wait.
• Safety: If conflict with this person could turn dangerous, avoiding protects you.

When Avoiding Destroys

• Important issues: Avoiding the budget conversation doesn't fix the budget.
• Your wife's feelings: Avoiding her emotions tells her she doesn't matter.
• Pattern issues: If a conflict keeps returning, avoiding it is just delaying the inevitable.
• Chronic avoidance: When avoiding becomes your only tool, your marriage slowly suffocates.

Silence isn't strength. Avoiding conflict because you fear it is passivity dressed as peace. Real peace comes from working through conflict, not around it.

Why Men Avoid

Many men learned early that conflict was dangerous. Maybe your parents' fights were scary. Maybe expressing your needs got you punished. Maybe you learned that good boys don't make waves.

Other men avoid because they feel incompetent in conflict. Women often have more practice with emotional conversations. You feel outmatched. So you forfeit rather than play a game you'll lose.

None of these reasons change the outcome. Avoidance erodes trust. Your wife needs a man who will engage, even imperfectly.

Moving From Avoidance to Engagement

• Name your pattern: Notice when you're avoiding. Say to yourself: "I'm avoiding right now."
• Start small: Practice engaging on low-stakes issues before tackling big ones.
• Buy time, not escape: "I need 30 minutes to think" is different from disappearing for days.
• Use structure: A framework like "I feel ___ when ___ because ___" gives you words to use.
• Return: If you take space, come back. Always come back. Don't let avoiding become stonewalling.

Your Action Steps

This week: Notice three times you want to avoid a conversation. Stay for at least five more minutes before leaving.

This month: Bring up one small issue you've been avoiding. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just engage.

This quarter: Ask your wife: "What conversations have you stopped trying to have with me?" Listen to her answer. That's your work list.