The Competing Style

You don't back down. When conflict comes, you engage. You argue your point. You push until you win. Some people call this aggressive. You call it standing your ground.

The competing style means you prioritize your position over the relationship. You'd rather be right than reconciled. This isn't always bad. Sometimes you need to fight. But when competing becomes your only mode, you win battles and lose your marriage.

What Competing Looks Like

A competing style is direct and forceful. You state your position clearly. You argue until the other person gives in or gives up. You don't see much middle ground. There's your way and the wrong way.

In the moment, this feels powerful. You're fighting for what's right. But your wife doesn't experience it that way. She experiences a man who cares more about winning than understanding her.

When Competing Works

• Emergency decisions: When there's no time to discuss, someone needs to decide. Your directness gets things done.
• Protecting boundaries: Some things aren't negotiable. Competing defends non-negotiable values.
• Standing against wrong: When someone is being hurt or when ethics are at stake, competing is appropriate.
• Breaking deadlocks: Sometimes discussion circles forever. A competing move can break the stalemate.

When Competing Destroys

• Everyday disagreements: Fighting to win over where to eat dinner damages trust over time.
• Your wife's feelings: Emotions aren't arguments to defeat. Competing with feelings is always a loss.
• Matters of preference: Not everything is a hill to die on. Competing over preferences exhausts everyone.
• When you're wrong: Competing when you should apologize creates deep wounds.

You can win every argument and lose your wife's heart. Being right doesn't keep you warm at night. Connection does.

The Hidden Cost

Men who only compete often don't realize what they're losing. Their wives stop bringing things up. Not because they agree but because they're tired of fighting. Silence isn't peace. It's resignation.

Over time, the competing man finds himself married to a woman who doesn't share her thoughts, doesn't express her needs, and doesn't feel safe being honest. He won every argument. He lost his partner.

Balancing Competing

The goal isn't to stop competing entirely. It's to compete wisely. Save your fighting energy for things that actually matter. Learn to tell the difference between values worth defending and preferences worth releasing.

• Ask: "Does this actually matter?" Before engaging, pause. Is this worth the cost?
• Listen before fighting: Make sure you understand her position before attacking it.
• Win together: Reframe from "me vs. her" to "us vs. the problem."
• Lose sometimes on purpose: Let her win when it matters to her and doesn't hurt you.
• Apologize when you're wrong: Nothing builds trust faster than admitting you were wrong.

Your Action Steps

This week: Notice every time you feel the urge to compete. Ask: "Is this worth fighting for?" Let three small things go without a fight.

This month: Have one disagreement where you genuinely try to understand her position before defending yours. Listen twice as long as you talk.

This quarter: Ask your wife how she experiences conflict with you. Listen without defending. Her perception is data you need.