The Poison of Contempt

Contempt is more than anger or frustration. It's a stance of moral superiority, treating your spouse as beneath you. It communicates disgust and worthlessness. While criticism attacks behavior, contempt attacks her value as a person. Research has identified contempt as the single strongest predictor of divorce because it destroys the very foundation of respect that marriage requires.

Contempt doesn't arrive overnight. It builds from unresolved resentment, accumulated frustrations, and a mental habit of focusing on your spouse's failings rather than strengths.

What Contempt Looks Like

• Eye rolling, sneering, mocking
• Sarcasm and hostile humor
• Name-calling
• Mimicking or imitating to ridicule
• Speaking with disgust
• Acting superior, treating her as inferior

Contempt says "I'm better than you." It poisons every interaction because it attacks who she is, not what she did. You can't build intimacy with someone you look down on.

Why Contempt is So Destructive

Attacks identity: It doesn't say "you did wrong" but "you are worthless."

Destroys safety: No one can be vulnerable with someone who holds them in contempt.

Breeds contempt: It tends to be reciprocated, creating a toxic spiral.

Corrodes health: Research links contempt to weakened immune systems in both spouses.

The Antidote: Building a Culture of Appreciation

Contempt is rooted in a negative mental habit of scanning for what's wrong. The antidote is deliberately building appreciation: noticing what's good, expressing gratitude, remembering why you married her, focusing on strengths rather than failures.

Rooting Out Contempt

Examine your thoughts: What narrative are you telling yourself about her?

Practice appreciation: Daily gratitude for specific things she does.

Address resentment: Contempt grows from unprocessed hurt. Deal with it.

Speak with respect: Even in conflict, maintain basic dignity.

Your Action Steps

This week: Notice any contempt in how you think about or speak to your wife.

This month: Daily, express genuine appreciation for something specific.

This quarter: Address any underlying resentment that's feeding contempt.