Understanding Flooding

Flooding is what happens when your nervous system gets so activated that you can't think straight. Heart racing, muscles tensing, fight-or-flight taking over. In this state, your brain's higher functions, empathy, problem-solving, clear thinking, go offline. You're operating on pure reaction.

This is why some conversations go completely off the rails. One or both of you gets flooded, and from that point on, nothing productive can happen. You're not having a discussion anymore; you're in survival mode.

Signs You're Flooded

• Heart rate spikes above 100 bpm
• Difficulty hearing what she's actually saying
• Tunnel vision on defending yourself
• Saying things you'll regret
• Physical tension throughout your body
• Feeling attacked even if she's not attacking
• Wanting to escape or explode

Once you're flooded, the conversation needs to stop. Not because the issue doesn't matter, but because you're no longer capable of addressing it well. Taking a break isn't avoiding; it's wisdom.

What Causes Flooding

Criticism: Feeling attacked at your character or competence level.

Contempt: Sensing disgust or superiority from your wife.

Accumulated stress: When you're already running on empty, it takes less to push you over.

Triggered wounds: When the present moment hits old pain, the reaction is bigger than the situation warrants.

Managing Flooding

Recognize it: Learn your body's warning signs. Catch it before you're completely gone.

Call a timeout: "I'm getting flooded. I need 20 minutes." This isn't avoiding; it's taking responsibility.

Actually calm down: During the break, don't ruminate. Do something calming, walk, breathe, pray.

Come back: A timeout isn't permission to avoid forever. Return and address the issue when you're regulated.

Build capacity: Regular stress management, sleep, exercise, and spiritual practice increase your flooding threshold.

Your Action Steps

This week: Notice when you get flooded. What are your physical signals? What triggers it?

This month: Agree on a timeout signal with your wife. How will you communicate that you need a break?

This quarter: Work on reducing baseline stress levels so flooding happens less often.