Breaking Through Gridlock

Some conflicts never get resolved. You have the same argument about the same issue over and over. Neither person budges. Resentment builds. This is gridlock, and it happens when there are dreams or values underneath the surface issue that neither person feels heard about.

Research shows that about 69% of marital problems are perpetual, meaning they don't get "solved" in the traditional sense. The goal isn't to win or eliminate the difference but to understand what's underneath it and find a way to live with the difference.

Signs of Gridlock

• The same topic keeps coming up with no progress
• Both partners feel unheard and frustrated
• The topic has become painful to discuss
• Positions have hardened
• Humor and affection are absent during the discussion

Gridlock isn't about the surface issue. It's about the dreams underneath. You're not really fighting about money or in-laws or chores. You're fighting about what those things represent to each of you.

What's Underneath

Every gridlocked issue has dreams, hopes, or values underneath. Maybe the fight about spending money is really about security or freedom. Maybe the fight about time with extended family is really about belonging or identity. Until you understand what the issue means to each of you, you'll stay stuck.

Breaking Through

Explore the dream: What does this issue represent to you? What hope or value is connected to your position?

Listen to understand: Really try to understand your wife's dream underneath her position.

Find flexible areas: Where can you compromise without violating core values?

Accept influence: Be willing to move toward her position where possible.

Honor the difference: Some differences won't disappear. Learn to live with them without resentment.

Your Action Steps

This week: Identify one gridlocked issue. What dream is underneath your position?

This month: Have a conversation focused not on the issue but on what it means to each of you.

This quarter: Work with a counselor on persistent gridlock that's damaging your marriage.