The Problem with Harsh Startup

Research on conflict consistently shows that the first three minutes of a conversation predict its outcome 96% of the time. Start harsh, and the conversation will end badly. Start gently, and you have a much better chance of productive resolution. The way you open your mouth matters enormously.

Harsh startup means beginning with criticism, contempt, or accusation. It puts your wife immediately on the defensive. From there, the conversation is almost certainly going downhill. Before you bring something up, think carefully about how you're going to start.

What Harsh Startup Looks Like

• "You always..." or "You never..."
• Leading with criticism instead of concern
• Attacking character instead of addressing behavior
• Starting with accusation rather than observation
• Contempt in tone: sighing, eye-rolling, sarcasm
• Bringing it up when you're already heated

If the first words out of your mouth put her shields up, nothing productive will follow. You've lost the conversation before it started. How you begin is that important.

What Soft Startup Looks Like

"I" statements: "I feel frustrated when..." instead of "You make me so angry when..."

Describe, don't evaluate: "I noticed this happened" instead of "You're so irresponsible."

Be specific: Address the specific situation, not global character issues.

Express what you need: "I need..." is better than "You should..."

Start appreciatively: "I know you've been stressed, and I want to talk about something."

Examples

Harsh: "You never help around here. You just expect me to do everything."

Soft: "I'm feeling overwhelmed with the housework. Can we talk about how to divide things differently?"

Harsh: "Why do you always forget to tell me things? You're so thoughtless."

Soft: "When I don't hear about plans until the last minute, I feel like an afterthought. Can we work on communicating earlier?"

Your Action Steps

This week: Before raising an issue, pause and plan your first sentence. Make it soft.

This month: Notice when you default to harsh startup. What triggers it? What could you do differently?

This quarter: Ask your wife if she feels attacked when you bring things up. Listen to her perspective.