Making Repair Attempts

A repair attempt is any effort to de-escalate conflict. It's the joke in the middle of tension. The hand on the arm. The "I'm sorry, can we start over?" It's trying to put the brakes on before things spiral out of control.

Research shows that the success or failure of repair attempts is one of the biggest predictors of relationship health. It's not whether you fight; it's whether you can pull out of the dive.

What Repair Attempts Look Like

• "I think we're getting off track."
• "Can we take a break and come back to this?"
• "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."
• "You're right about that part."
• A touch, a softened voice, a moment of humor
• "I love you, even though we're fighting."
• "Help me understand what you're feeling."

In healthy relationships, repair attempts work. One partner reaches out to de-escalate, and the other receives it. In struggling relationships, repairs get rejected or ignored. The conflict keeps spiraling.

Why They Fail

They're not recognized: When you're flooded with emotion, you might not even notice she's trying to repair.

They're rejected: You're so set on winning that you refuse her olive branch. This is devastating to connection.

They come too late: By the time someone tries to repair, things have escalated beyond the point of easy return.

The foundation is cracked: If there's built-up resentment or contempt, repairs don't land because trust is already damaged.

Getting Better at This

Make attempts early: The sooner you try to repair, the more likely it works. Don't wait until you're both flooded.

Recognize her attempts: Learn what her repairs look like. They might be subtle. Notice and respond.

Accept repairs graciously: When she reaches out, take it. Even if you're still upset. Rejecting repairs causes lasting damage.

Develop your own repairs: What works for you two? A code word, a gesture, a phrase. Create shared language for de-escalation.

Your Action Steps

This week: Notice repair attempts in your next conflict. Did you make any? Did she? Were they received?

This month: Talk with your wife about repair attempts when you're not in conflict. What works? What doesn't?

This quarter: Develop intentional repair strategies. Create language or signals you both recognize.