Turning Toward Your Spouse

Research shows that the difference between couples who stay together and couples who divorce often comes down to thousands of small moments. Moments when your spouse makes a bid for your attention, a small reaching out for connection. In each moment, you can turn toward that bid or turn away. The cumulative effect of these tiny choices shapes your entire marriage.

A bid might be as simple as "Look at that sunset" or as subtle as a sigh after a hard day. How you respond either builds connection or erodes it.

What Bids Look Like

• A question about your day
• Sharing something interesting
• A request for help
• A touch on the arm
• An expression of frustration
• Showing you something they found
• Starting a conversation about anything

Most bids are small, easy to miss. She says "I had a hard day" and you can look up and engage, or keep scrolling your phone. That single moment matters more than you think. Multiply it by thousands and you have your marriage.

Three Responses

Turn toward: Engage with the bid. Give attention, respond, connect.

Turn away: Ignore the bid. Keep scrolling, don't respond, miss it.

Turn against: Respond negatively. "Not now." "Why are you bothering me?"

The Research

Couples who stay happily married turn toward each other's bids about 86% of the time. Couples who divorce turn toward only about 33% of the time. The difference isn't in big moments; it's in the accumulation of small ones.

Your Action Steps

This week: Notice your wife's bids. Are you turning toward or away?

This month: Make turning toward a conscious practice. Every bid, respond.

This quarter: Build the habit until turning toward is automatic.