Managing Expectations

You came into marriage with a mental picture of how things would be. So did she. Those pictures probably don't match perfectly, and most of them were never discussed. You just expected certain things, assumed they were obvious, and then felt disappointed or angry when reality didn't line up.

Unspoken expectations are one of the biggest sources of conflict in marriage. She's not meeting expectations she doesn't know exist. You're failing at rules you never agreed to. And both of you feel hurt and misunderstood.

Where Expectations Come From

Your family of origin: How your parents did marriage becomes your default template. You expect things to work the way they worked at home.

Cultural messages: Movies, TV, social media. They create pictures of marriage that may be unrealistic or simply different from what your spouse expects.

Personal needs: We expect our spouse to meet certain needs. When they don't, we feel let down, even if we never communicated the need.

Previous experiences: Past relationships, good or bad, shape what you expect from this one.

If you haven't clearly communicated an expectation, you can't hold her accountable for not meeting it. She's not a mind reader. Neither are you.

Common Areas of Conflict

• Division of labor: Who does what around the house?
• Money: How much to save, spend, give?
• Time together: How much is enough?
• Physical intimacy: Frequency, initiation, approach?
• Extended family: How much involvement?
• Parenting: Discipline style, priorities, decisions?
• Communication: How often? About what?

The Process

Identify your expectations: What do you expect from her? From the marriage? Be specific. Write them down if it helps.

Examine their validity: Are these expectations reasonable? Where did they come from? Are they serving the marriage or just serving you?

Communicate clearly: Don't assume she knows. Tell her what you hope for, need, or expect. Use "I" statements, not accusations.

Listen to hers: She has expectations too. Understanding what she needs helps you meet it.

Negotiate: Some expectations need adjustment. Some need to be released. Work together to find what works for both of you.

Your Action Steps

This week: Identify one expectation you hold that you've never clearly communicated. Share it with your wife.

This month: Have a conversation about expectations in one specific area: money, time, intimacy. Get on the same page.

This quarter: Review major areas of marriage and make sure you both know what the other expects.