Fair Fight Rules

Every couple fights. Happy couples fight too. The difference isn't whether you fight but how you fight. Unfair fighting wounds your wife and erodes trust. Fair fighting clears the air and actually brings you closer.

Think of these rules as guardrails. They keep the conversation on the road. Without them, arguments veer off into territory that damages far more than it helps.

The Foundation: Stay on the Same Team

Before any rule, remember this: you and your wife are not enemies. The problem is the enemy. She is your partner in solving it. The moment you forget this, you've already lost, even if you "win" the argument.

It's never you versus her. It's both of you versus the problem. The moment it becomes you versus her, stop. Reframe. Get back on the same side.

Rule 1: One Issue at a Time

Don't kitchen-sink. When you're arguing about the dishes, don't bring up what happened at Thanksgiving three years ago. Stay focused on the current issue. Solve it. Then, if needed, start a new conversation about the next thing.

Why this matters:

Piling issues makes resolution impossible. Your wife feels ambushed. Neither of you knows what you're actually trying to solve.

Rule 2: No Character Attacks

Attack the behavior, not the person. "You left the door unlocked" is different from "You're so careless." One is about what she did. The other is about who she is. The first can be addressed. The second just wounds.

Why this matters:

Character attacks trigger shame and defensiveness. Once someone feels their identity is under attack, they stop listening and start defending.

Rule 3: No Contempt

No eye rolling. No mocking. No sarcasm. No treating your wife like she's beneath you. Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It communicates: "You're worthless." Nothing is harder to come back from.

Why this matters:

Contempt poisons the relationship at the root. It says: "I don't respect you." Without respect, marriage cannot survive.

Rule 4: Take Breaks When Flooded

If your heart is racing, if you're seeing red, if you can't think straight, stop. Say: "I need 20 minutes." Go do something that calms your nervous system. Walk. Breathe. Pray. Then come back.

Why this matters:

When flooded, your brain can't process complex information. You'll say things you'll regret. Taking a break isn't quitting. It's strategic wisdom.

Rule 5: Listen to Understand

Don't listen while preparing your response. Listen to actually understand her perspective. You might still disagree. But first, make sure you know what you're disagreeing with.

Why this matters:

Most arguments escalate because neither person feels heard. Slow down. Reflect back what you heard. "So you're saying..." Watch how quickly the temperature drops.

Rule 6: Own Your Part

Even in her worst behavior, there's probably something you contributed. Own it. "You're right, I did forget to call. I'm sorry." This isn't weakness. It's maturity. And it often softens the whole conversation.

Why this matters:

When you own your part, you model the behavior you want to see. And you remind her that you're on her team, not fighting against her.

Rule 7: Repair Fast

When you break a rule, acknowledge it immediately. "That was unfair. Let me try again." A quick repair stops damage from spreading. Pride that prevents repair destroys marriages.

Why this matters:

Every couple breaks the rules sometimes. What matters is what you do next. Repair early. Repair often. Don't let wounds fester.

Your Action Steps

This week: Print these rules. Post them somewhere you can both see. Agree together to follow them.

This month: After your next argument, review how it went. Which rules did you follow? Which did you break? Talk about it calmly.

This quarter: Identify your most common rule violation. Focus on improving that one thing. Small improvements compound over time.