Defensiveness in Relationships

She says, "You forgot to call the plumber." He says, "I've been swamped at work. You could have called too. Why is everything my responsibility?" She wasn't attacking. She was just stating a fact. But he heard criticism and immediately defended. Now they're fighting about who does more, and the plumber still hasn't been called.

That's defensiveness—and it's one of the Destructive Patterns that predict relationship breakdown. According to The Gottman Institute, defensiveness is really a form of blame reversal. It says, "The problem isn't me—it's you."

What Defensiveness Looks Like

• Making excuses: "I forgot because I've been exhausted"
• Counter-attacking: "Well, you never..."
• Playing victim: "Nothing I do is ever good enough"
• Denying responsibility: "That's not what happened"
• Cross-complaining: Responding to a complaint with a different complaint
• Whining: "Why are you always picking on me?"

Why We Get Defensive

Defensiveness is self-protection. When criticism feels like an attack on your worth, your nervous system mobilizes to defend. According to the American Psychological Association, this is often rooted in:

• Low self-esteem—criticism confirms you're not good enough
• Past experiences of harsh criticism
• Shame—being wrong feels unbearable
• Perceiving feedback as attack rather than information
• Feeling overwhelmed by accumulated complaints

Defensiveness feels like protection, but it's actually escalation. Your partner wanted to be heard. Now they feel dismissed. The original issue is buried under the fight about the fight.

The Antidote: Taking Responsibility

The antidote to defensiveness isn't accepting all blame. It's acknowledging even a small part of the complaint. "You're right, I did forget. I'll call today." That's it. No excuses needed.

• Pause before responding—don't let reaction take over
• Listen fully before formulating your defense
• Find the valid part of their complaint—there usually is one
• Separate behavior from worth—admitting a mistake doesn't make you a bad person
• Practice saying "You're right about that"

Taking responsibility doesn't mean you're always wrong. It means you're more interested in connection than in being right.