Communication in Marriage

Every marriage therapist will tell you: most couples don't have relationship problems. They have communication problems that create relationship problems. You're not speaking the same language. You're talking past each other. And the harder you try, the worse it gets.

Why Communication Breaks Down

According to research from The Gottman Institute, most conversations fail because:

• You're listening to respond, not to understand
• Defensiveness kicks in before they're done talking
• You're trying to fix when they need to be heard
• The timing is wrong (stress, tiredness, distractions)
• Past hurts filter everything through a negative lens
• You're addressing surface issues, not underlying needs

The Number One Mistake

Most people think good communication means expressing yourself clearly. It doesn't. Good communication means making your partner feel heard. There's a massive difference.

You can articulate your needs perfectly and still fail completely if your spouse doesn't feel understood in return.

Communication isn't about winning. It's about connection. If you win the argument but lose the relationship, you haven't won anything.

Skills That Actually Work

Soft Startup

How you start determines how you finish. Begin with "I feel..." not "You always..." Start with appreciation, not accusation.

Validate First

Before disagreeing, prove you understood. "It makes sense you'd feel that way because..." doesn't mean you agree. It means you're listening.

Turn Toward

When your spouse makes a bid for connection—even small ones—respond. The small moments matter more than the big conversations.

Take Breaks When Flooded

If heart rate goes above 100 BPM, you literally cannot communicate well. Take 20 minutes. Come back.

Ask What They Need

Sometimes they want advice. Sometimes they want empathy. Ask: "Do you want help problem-solving, or do you need me to just listen?"

If Your Spouse Won't Talk

People shut down when talking has felt pointless or painful. According to the American Psychological Association, rebuilding requires:

• Making it safe to speak without criticism
• Starting with easier topics before heavy ones
• Showing that talking leads to understanding, not combat
• Giving space for their processing style
• Demonstrating change in how you receive what they share