People Pleasing

You agree to things you don't want to do. You say yes while screaming no inside. You rearrange your life to avoid disappointing anyone. And somehow, despite constantly putting others first, you still feel like you're never good enough.

That's people-pleasing—and it's exhausting. What looks like generosity is often anxiety in disguise.

Signs of People-Pleasing

• You say yes when you want to say no
• You apologize constantly, even for things that aren't your fault
• You agree with people to avoid conflict
• You feel responsible for others' emotions
• You struggle to express your own opinions
• You feel anxious when someone is upset with you
• You're always the one who compromises
• You go out of your way to avoid disapproval
• You neglect your own needs to meet others'
• You feel empty or resentful despite "helping"

Where It Comes From

According to research from the National Institutes of Health, people-pleasing often develops in childhood when:

• Love felt conditional on good behavior or keeping the peace
• A parent's emotions were unpredictable, so you learned to manage them
• Conflict in the home made harmony feel essential to survival
• Your worth was tied to what you did for others
• You weren't allowed to have needs or voice disagreement

People-pleasing is often the "fawn" trauma response—neutralizing potential threats by appeasing them. It felt like safety once. Now it's a cage.

People-pleasing isn't kindness. Kindness is generous and free. People-pleasing is driven by fear and leaves you depleted.

The Hidden Cost

• Resentment: You give and give, then feel bitter that no one gives back
• Loss of self: You've spent so long being what others want that you don't know what you want
• Exhaustion: Managing everyone's feelings while neglecting your own is draining
• Inauthentic relationships: People don't know the real you—they know the version that says yes
• Enabling: You may protect people from consequences they need to experience

How to Stop People-Pleasing

1. Pause Before Responding

Don't answer immediately. "Let me check my schedule" or "I'll get back to you" buys time to decide what you actually want.

2. Start Small

Practice saying no in low-stakes situations. Build the muscle before the big tests come.

3. Tolerate Discomfort

Others' disappointment feels unbearable, but it won't kill you. Let people feel their feelings without rushing to fix them.

4. Check Your Motives

Are you saying yes from genuine generosity or from fear? The feeling in your body will tell you.

5. Accept That Not Everyone Will Like You

And that's okay. According to the American Psychological Association, self-worth built on others' approval is inherently unstable. You can be a good person and still have people who don't like you.