Stonewalling in Relationships

You're trying to talk about something important. Your partner's face goes blank. They turn away, give one-word answers, or leave the room entirely. You're left talking to a wall. This is stonewalling—and according to research from The Gottman Institute, it's one of the most destructive patterns in relationships.

What Stonewalling Looks Like

• Silent treatment—refusing to speak
• One-word or monosyllabic responses
• Physically leaving during conversations
• Avoiding eye contact
• Acting busy or distracted
• Changing the subject repeatedly
• Shutting down emotionally

Why People Stonewall

Stonewalling usually isn't intentional cruelty. Research from the American Psychological Association shows it's typically a response to emotional flooding—being so overwhelmed that the nervous system shuts down. The stonewaller may appear cold, but internally they're often in distress.

Men are more likely to stonewall than women, possibly because they become physiologically flooded more quickly during conflict and take longer to recover.

The Damage Stonewalling Causes

To the partner being stonewalled, silence communicates rejection, contempt, and abandonment. It triggers pursuit—which triggers more withdrawal—creating a destructive cycle. Over time, stonewalling erodes trust and intimacy, leaving both partners feeling disconnected and hopeless.

Breaking the Pattern

If You're the Stonewaller

• Recognize your flooding signs early
• Communicate that you need a break: "I'm overwhelmed. I need 20 minutes, then I'll come back."
• Actually come back—follow through on your commitment
• Practice self-soothing during breaks

If Your Partner Stonewalls

• Recognize that pursuit makes it worse
• Give space without abandoning
• Address the pattern when you're both calm
• Create safety for them to stay engaged