Contempt in Relationships

She says something. He rolls his eyes. She makes a request. He responds with a mocking tone. They're not fighting—it's worse. She sees the disgust on his face. She knows he thinks he's better than her. That's contempt.

According to decades of research from The Gottman Institute, contempt is the single most destructive behavior in relationships. It predicts divorce with remarkable accuracy—and even predicts how many infectious illnesses the recipient will have. Contempt literally makes people sick.

What Contempt Looks Like

• Eye-rolling
• Sneering and disgust expressions
• Mocking or mimicking your partner
• Sarcasm (the hostile kind)
• Name-calling
• Hostile humor
• Correcting them in front of others
• Speaking with superiority
• Acting like they're beneath you

Why Contempt Is Different

Criticism attacks what you did. Contempt attacks who you are. It says: "I'm better than you. You're not worth my respect." That's why it's so devastating. You can recover from criticism. Contempt corrodes the foundation of respect that relationships require.

Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts. It's not just about the moment—it's about a habit of focusing on your partner's failures, building a case against them in your mind.

Where Contempt Comes From

Contempt rarely appears suddenly. It builds over time from:

• Unresolved resentments that ferment into disgust
• Keeping score of wrongs without addressing them
• Mental cataloging of your partner's faults
• Comparisons to others or to an idealized partner
• Feeling superior intellectually, morally, or practically

The Antidote: Building a Culture of Appreciation

According to the American Psychological Association, the antidote to contempt isn't just stopping negative thoughts—it's actively building positive ones:

• Practice noticing what your partner does right
• Express appreciation daily—specifically and genuinely
• Remember why you chose them
• Address resentments before they fester
• Cultivate respect, even during disagreement

If contempt has become a pattern in your relationship, professional help is usually necessary. The neural pathways of disgust are deeply grooved by the time contempt shows up regularly.