Criticism vs Complaint

Both partners feel the same frustration. But one says, "I felt hurt when you were on your phone during dinner." The other says, "You're always on that phone. You never pay attention to me." Same issue. Completely different impact.

The Crucial Difference

According to research from The Gottman Institute:

A complaint addresses a specific behavior and how it affected you. It focuses on the situation.

Criticism attacks character. It uses words like "always" and "never" and assigns blame to who your partner is as a person.

Examples

• Complaint: "I was worried when you didn't call." → Criticism: "You never think about anyone but yourself."
• Complaint: "I felt dismissed when you interrupted me." → Criticism: "You always have to be right. You're so arrogant."
• Complaint: "I'm frustrated that the trash wasn't taken out." → Criticism: "You're so lazy. You never do anything around here."

Why It Matters

Complaints can be addressed. Your partner can acknowledge your feelings and change their behavior. But criticism triggers defensiveness because it feels like an attack on who they are. According to the American Psychological Association, once criticism becomes a pattern, it often escalates to contempt—the number one predictor of divorce.

Complaints invite conversation. Criticism invites combat.

How to Complain Without Criticizing

• Use "I" statements: "I felt..." instead of "You always..."
• Be specific about the situation
• Avoid "always" and "never"
• Focus on behavior, not character
• Say what you need, not just what went wrong

Healthy relationships have complaints. All couples have issues that cause frustration. The question is whether you address them in ways that invite resolution or escalation.